Oh, good. Now that I have upgraded my WordPress account at blackheartmagazine.com, it’s effing broken. And guess what? They’re announcing ANOTHER upgrade (version 2.7) to be released in 2 hours and 3 minutes. Thanks, WordPress, for forcing me to upgrade my account and thereby destroy all my hard work, right before you released another upgrade!!!
Fuck the world. I am very, very grouchy right now, and not just because of WordPress’s shenanigans. Today I have also been accused of doing things wrong by my 72-year-old boss, who is either confusing me with her last (or second) assistant, or else honestly thinks I’ve been around long enough to fuck with her files. Dude, I just started this job at the beginning of September, and I only work max 2 half-days a week. Could I really have gotten up to destroying a file I JUST laid eyes on two weeks ago in that period of time? In a normal job, yes. At a job where the computers I’m using were created in the 1980s and make terrible grinding noises every time you try to access, well, ANYTHING… not so much.
I’m tired of being treated like I am an imbecile, particularly by someone who doesn’t even know how to turn a computer on. Just because something is fucked up does not mean it’s my fault! Perhaps you’ve seen the Mac commercials on TV making fun of Vista?
Sigh.
I feel like this whole day has been a waste of my time, so far. I mean, I did pretty well at the gym, despite being super tired and having to stop biking early to go blow my nose (I seriously couldn’t breathe through the snot; sorry, TMI). I had a nice breakfast. And then I went to work and all hell broke loose.
My boss is looking for a second assistant. Why she needs two of us to each come only one day per week, I don’t know. I mean, it’s not like the world will end if she can’t check her email for a week, should I happen to go away for a holiday trip or something (and, BTW, I rarely go out of town or need to miss work). Really urgent things, people pick up a phone for. RIght?
So today I printed out about a thousand emails and CVs, mostly from a) people who are WAY overqualified for this job and b) people who don’t seem to grasp the concept of “personal assistant.” Sending me your film CV with a headshot? Sorry, but I don’t need to know that you are great with a camera. This is about checking emails, taking dictation (old skool with a pen and paper), and proofreading. It’s basically an editorial position, or a typist/secretarial job. It’s not hard, but it does require a basic skill set. You have to speak, read and write English like a Grammar Nazi, for one. Knowing Photoshop, Dreamweaver or how to operate heavy machinery is utterly non-essential here. It’s very, very basic. Having good handwriting would be best. Knowing Hebrew would be a plus.
Being broke and just needing a job, any job, is not helping your cause.
Having sifted through a mountain of CVs today, plus some as a board member at the Co-op Bookstore, I can personally say that kids these days don’t know thing one about constructing a résumé, so here is a quick list of don’ts:
1. DON’T send me your photo. I don’t care what you look like and, technically, this could lead to a discrimination lawsuit if I don’t hire you, as you can claim it was because I didn’t like your looks. Which I don’t care about. So just don’t do it. Save the headshots for your agent.
2. DON’T send me a generic cover letter. If possible, find out who is doing the hiring and address it to them. If it’s all very hush-hush and confidential, address it to “Dear Sir or Madam.” You must then list your qualifications FOR THIS SPECIFIC JOB! The point of a cover letter is to show that you know what this job is about, have worked in this industry before, and have some relevant skills. Highlight points on your CV that you want me to pay attention to, and don’t just rewrite what’s there. Explain why your love of Turkish food is important and will set you apart from the other applicants for the position as head of the IT department at X University. Get it?
3. DON’T list every single job you’ve ever had. Especially if we ask you specifically for a one-page résumé. Follow the directions. If we want one page, give us one page and no more. Yes, you CAN squish all of your experiences from the past 10 years into one page. It’s really not that hard: just list the title, the company and the position, along with the approximate dates you worked there. If we need to know more about what exactly you did there, we will ask you. Also, this is why your COVER LETTER is so important. See? There IS a method to the madness! Please also note that you can tailor your CV to each job you apply for, to draw attention to the important skills and relevant experience you have. This is neither lying nor cheating; I don’t need to know about every fast food restaurant you’ve jockeyed for if you’re applying for a job as a writer.
4. DON’T tell me a bunch of irrelevant info. Things that are likely to get your CV deleted unread? “Hi, I’m moving to Montreal next year and…” Yes, hi. I am posting a job that is available NOW. Are you here NOW? Then don’t waste my time. “I’ve never done anything in this field before, but…” Stop. Rewind. Delete. I don’t care what your experience is, but bend it to the job description in any creative methods you like before you ever write that phrase. It is not about the job itself, but about what you learned and how you can apply your learning to THIS job.
Starting to get the idea? Seriously, there are a million DON’Ts on my list, but those are crucial. I can’t believe people don’t know not to commit these errors, they’re so basic. So please, if you want to get a job, don’t do any of my DON’Ts!!
